Put “words into action and truly support women”

A thread on Twitter begins:

That’s quite a confrontational and alienating start. What follows is some advice to men, with some questionable comments added (I note that advice to women from men on this issue is unlikely to go down well):

In light of all the not all men idiots still breathing and talking shit, here’s a few ways that you can truly put your idiotic words into action and truly support women who are fearing for their lives right now.

Walk women to their cars and wait for them to drive off before leaving. Same applies to if you’re dropping them home. Wait until they are safely inside. If somebody is inside their car you will see and be able to help.

Wait with women for their taxis/ubers/transport home. Say hello and introduce yourself to the driver, note the number plate, and thank the driver for getting your friend home safely. Tell your friend to message you as soon as they are safely home.

If possible, drop your friends home in your uber/taxi/car. If money is an issue for them and they’re taking public transport, pay for them to get home.

When you see any women looking uncomfortable in a situation with a man, step in. Introduce yourself and say “hi, I’m xyz, is this man bothering you?” and follow up with “are you sure?” if she says no uncomfortably. Alert a staff member if you are in a bar.

If you ever see a woman being harassed by a man in any situation, also step in. introduce yourself, and say “would you like me to wait with you until he is gone?” and also call the police. If it looks like a couple’s fight, make sure the woman is aware there are witnesses & help.

This sort of thing can be tricky to deal with. Sometimes women don’t want others interfering. It risks escalating the situation for the women. It could also put the man who intervenes at risk. I know this from experience.

If a woman is visibly intoxicated leaving a bar with a man, tell security to check on them and also ask if she’s okay. if the man is defensive and aggressive and won’t let her speak, chances are he doesn’t know her, and is planning to assault her. Do not let them leave together.

If you see a male friend who won’t leave a woman alone, go over and say “sorry I’ll let him stop bothering you now” then take him away and explain that she is not interested and he needs to learn to take no for an answer, because women know what they want & don’t need convincing.

I’ve done that, and also done a number of other things that have been suggested.

If your male friends are discussing women in a degrading manner, or describing sexual situations where it is definitely murky as to whether or not she was coerced or consented willingly, ask “did she agree to that?” or “don’t speak about women like that”.

It’s tragic work christmas party season now, and it is very important to make sure the women of your office feel safe. If they look uncomfortable, save them. Don’t let any men abuse their power to assault women. Don’t let men grope women and justify it with ‘banter’.

Generally I agree – but male employees can also be in power imbalance situations with concerns about their careers.

At parties where drinks are flowing and people might not be pouring their own, watch who is pouring them and if they’re putting anything in them. Drink spiking is very common in Auckland and it is very easily done as well. If unsure, tip it over accidentally.

That could potentially raise ire and provoke violence.

Do not touch any women without their permission. Do not approach women from behind if they’re outside and alone. Do not yell at women. Do not chase them. Do not berate them. DO RESPECT THEM.

The presence of another male is intimidating to predators because a: they know that you will not be as easily physically overpowered as a woman, and b: there is now a witness to their indecency. Use your presence to protect women – stand between them with 111 on your dial screen.

Do not centre yourselves in conversations about violence against women. Accept that your part of humanity is responsible for the majority of violence on women. If you have not perpetrated violence you should not feel guilty. If you feel guilty, deliver yourself to the authorities.

Actually it can be pretty difficult.

All men being held responsible for the actions of some is contentious

Men need to realise you are a part of the global system of oppression which is violently killing women every day and work to better yourself and your peers to create a world where women do not fear your existence. Pretty easy to do if you aren’t a piece of shit.

I can understand people being angry, but being angry at all men is unlikely to help the situation.

They are worthwhile causes.

Many men do put words into action, and have been for a long time. Obviously more can and should be done to confront and reduce societal violence. I think that is best done cooperatively and positively.

I’m sure many women don’t like being lectured about keeping themselves safe. Most women (and men) are already aware of prudence and caution required in different situations.

I understand anger and emotion in situations like this, but lecturing and blaming and shaming all men is, i think, more of a problem than a solution.

9 Comments

  1. Trevors_elbow

     /  December 10, 2018

    Sigh… some good ideas like walking woman to cars and cans. Do it all the time. But intervening between couples is fraught and often leads to both turning on you..

    Funnily enough some off those suggestions are very old school chivalry type actions… but aren’t feminist anti that as it chivalry is based on the notion of woman are weak and need a man to protect them? (Yes I’m tweaking noses)

    That was a very hectoring tone as well…. recruit, dont lecture

    • Kitty Catkin

       /  December 10, 2018

      Gender equality, but not when it comes to assuming that women are weaklings who need protection….this woman is grossly insulting the majority of men by assuming that unless a big strong man is there to look after them, another big strong man will be waiting to leap on them.

      I was once harassed by a kerbcrawler, and decided to go to the next house that had lights on. Oh joy, it was a family gathering of a Pasifika family and all the men were the size of Jonah Lomu. When they ran out, the kerbcrawler broke all speed records…two of the men then walked me home.

      But how often IS someone inside a car ?

      Or inside someone’s house ?

      This woman is simply perpetuating the myth that men are violent oppressors of women. If I was a man, I would be very insulted.

      When the blood samples of supposed spiked drink in Hamilton victims, all that was found was alcohol, except in two cases where the victim had taken something.

  2. Gerrit

     /  December 10, 2018

    “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle”

    nex minit;

    “here’s a few ways that you can truly put your idiotic words into action and truly support women who are fearing for their lives right now.

    Walk women to their cars and wait for them to drive off before leaving. Same applies to if you’re dropping them home. Wait until they are safely inside. If somebody is inside their car you will see and be able to help.

    Wait with women for their taxis/ubers/transport home. Say hello and introduce yourself to the driver, note the number plate, and thank the driver for getting your friend home safely. Tell your friend to message you as soon as they are safely home.

    If possible, drop your friends home in your uber/taxi/car. If money is an issue for them and they’re taking public transport, pay for them to get home.”

    Mixed messages?

    Do women you still want men to hold doors open for you? Or only want us men to be civil and protective when it suits?

  3. Gezza

     /  December 10, 2018

    That is a very thought-provoking piece & superb advice to men AND women, if foolishly and unnecessarily abusive & offensive in its delivery.

    • Kitty Catkin

       /  December 10, 2018

      I found its tone so annoying that to me the advice was negated by this.

      Imagine a man writing that most women are mercenary bitches whose only use for a man is as a walking wallet and so on……

  4. Duker

     /  December 10, 2018

    Doesnt make sense in light of a a current appalling crime where a lone woman went with a stranger to his inner city hotel room a few blocks from her own accommodation.. There is some suggestion they connected via a notorious dating app ?

    • Kitty Catkin

       /  December 10, 2018

      In the vast majority of cases, all that will happen is a night of sex with a stranger with Tinder. I can’t imagine why people do this, but that’s their business. BUT what if the man has a few of his mates there ? What if the girl has her boyfriend and the man is done over and robbed, as has happened since time immemorial ?

      One can only hope that this may make people hesitate to go off with strangers whom they ‘meet’ on Tinder and that something good may come from this horror.

  5. oldlaker

     /  December 10, 2018

    What makes “Anny” think that an average-sized man is going to be better off than a woman in a confrontation with a bigger, more aggressive man? Her rescuer might be somewhat stronger than her but he may still be no match for a powerful brute or even just a vicious one. She seems to have a mediaeval idea of women being looked after by a knight who comes to her rescue. My experience is that enraged men will turn on another male who intervenes with even more fury than they are directing towards the woman. Remember the gentle Austin Hemming who was stabbed to death in Mills Lane after coming to the rescue of a woman who was being assaulted. She lived; he didn’t. There is a weird appeal to gallantry in these pleas for men to put their lives and safety on the line for women they don’t know with no guarantee the damage inflicted on them won’t be worse than that inflicted on the woman.

    • Gezza

       /  December 10, 2018

      Well, some women might think men are more expendable and that if they’re getting knifed they’ve got more time to get away. Remember it’s mostly men whose lives get squandered in fighting wars – even for women PMs.