Harrowing stories from male sexual abuse survivors

The extent of male sexual abuse in New Zealand is gradually emerging, and it is as horrifying as female sexual abuse.

There has been a lot of world wide publicity given to abuse within the Catholic Church, but that is only a part of the dirty iceberg of abuse that has been happened for a long time, and has been largely hidden from view.

Survivors are starting to speak out and reveal the horrors and the long term affects. This is important in showing other victims that they are not alone.

ODT have done a lot on investigating and reporting local Catholic abuse – see

They have widened their revelations – NZ’s sexual trauma story: ‘We have failed to protect our children’ – In the finale of the series, peer support worker Paul Davenport and Males Survivors Aotearoa national advocate Ken Clearwater talk about New Zealand’s path to ‘owning’ how badly it has ‘failed to protect children’.


WARNING GRAPHIC CONTENT: Why did 10 men sit down and tell their harrowing story of sexual trauma to our cameras? Because they all thought they were the only one. But they want others to know that they are not alone.

One in six boys will be sexually abused before they are 18.  In this CTV video series, 10 men have told their stories. All grew up believing they were the only ones it had happened to. Now they want other victims to know they are not alone and, if they are ready, help is there for them.

Need help?

Need to talk? 1737, free 24/7 phone and text number

Healthline: 0800 611-116

Lifeline Aotearoa: 0800 543-354

Suicide Crisis Helpline: 0508 828-865 (0508 TAUTOKO)

Samaritans: 0800 726-666

Alcohol Drug Helpline: 0800 787-797

General mental health inquiries: 0800 443-366

The Depression Helpline: 0800 111-757

Youthline: 0800 376-633, txt 234 or talk@youthline.co.nz

What’s Up (for 5-18 year olds; 1pm-11pm): 0800 942-8787

Tone Miller, Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse Dunedin/Invercargill: 0211987878.

Leave a comment

25 Comments

  1. MaureenW

     /  24th April 2019

    Interesting no one has responded to this post. I suggest a survey would provide some insight into the occurrence and sexual abuse. I’ll start – I was abused by a male relative between the ages of 6-11.

    Reply
    • Dirty bugger.

      One problem seems to be that some people hear that a young lad was used as a sex toy by an adult woman and think (and say) ‘Lucky sod.’

      An elderly woman I knew was molested when she was very young, but said that it didn’t traumatise her because she was too young to know that the touching was sex; she considered herself to be lucky in that way. It was someone’s grandfather who also touched his grand-daughter, the filthy bastard, and she was old enough to know that this was all wrong. It didn’t go on very long with Joan, she didn’t know how far it went with the older girl.

      Reply
  2. Kitty Catkin

     /  24th April 2019

    My friend John who was first abused by a pastor went on to have real problems; sex was really nice but it was dirty and he was a dirty boy for liking it (over-simplification, of course). He punished himself with risky behaviour and is now HIV.

    Reply
  3. MaureenW

     /  24th April 2019

    Most sexual abuse is perpetrated by males – it’s common. I’d be interested to know from a male why they think this is? What is it about men that crosses all demographics and cultures that drives the sexual abuse of those in weaker or somehow subservient positions to sexually abuse others?

    In some ways I think this intersects with the God discussion going on here at YourNZ, I thought “god” created man in his image (not that I’m a god believer) but he sure screwed up. Personally I think animals are better behaved as a species.
    Clearly not all men but it’s more an infrequent aberration.

    Reply
    • MaureenW

       /  24th April 2019

      .. more than an infrequent aberration

      Reply
    • Conspiratoor

       /  24th April 2019

      “Personally I think animals are better behaved as a species.”

      I’m inclined to agree with this sentiment Maureen. I think you might enjoy these lyrics…

      Reply
    • Alan Wilkinson

       /  24th April 2019

      Do you need to look further than Darwin, Maureen? The imperative to procreate drives survival of the genes. I think you are wrong about animals too – most of them will take any opportunity available for the same reason.

      Reply
      • MaureenW

         /  24th April 2019

        We’re not talking about procreation though Al. Males don’t sexually assault children (boys and girls) because of their overwhelming desire to procreate. Priests don’t assault children because they wish to procreate. Any type of prostitute/concubine can fill that void. Sexual abuse isn’t usually about lack of opportunity, it’s about other factors in my view.

        Reply
        • Alan Wilkinson

           /  25th April 2019

          You confuse objective with desire. Genes create desire with the objective of reproducing, replication and competitive survival. The human or animal just has the desire, not the objective. The desire can get twisted into abnormal and harmful outlets by a while range of circumstances.

          Reply
      • Gezza

         /  25th April 2019

        I think you are wrong about animals too – most of them will take any opportunity available for the same reason

        Only usually (actually, virtually always) driven blindly by the chemicals that instinctively trigger them to mate with a female who is receptive because she is in season, ready to breed. There’s no conscious choice available to them.

        There are nowhere near the amount of other animals who exhibit the evolutionary design defects in the brain of the usually (but not always) male human ape sexual abusers.

        Reply
        • Alan Wilkinson

           /  25th April 2019

          How would you know? That’s nonsense.

          Reply
          • Gezza

             /  25th April 2019

            Oh? Sometimes I wonder if you chuck the word “nonsense” around so casually you make it kind of any empty word.

            Observation. Documentaries on animals showing them mating. That sort of thing. Intriguing response from you though. Might warrant looking into further now. Can you give me some examples of deliberate intentional sexual abuse by other animals on their own species?

            Reply
            • Alan Wilkinson

               /  25th April 2019

              What percentage of humans are perverted to the extent you are talking about and how much observed animal behaviour would be required to detect a similar ratio?

              That’s why your comment is nonsense.

            • Gezza

               /  25th April 2019

              Not it’s not nonsense. it’s just opinion that’s given on the basis that I’ve never seen any studies done into known cases of animals consciously choosing to sexually abuse their own species & in particular the male or female babies or sexually immature young of their own species. By contrast I believe there is a considerable body of work done into the subject of such aberrant & psychologicall destructive behaviour by predominantly male human apes who otherwise just look as ordinary on the outside as you & me.

              In the case of the human ape I understood that an unfortunate fact is that those human apes who commit such acts of abuse often seem to have themselves been the victims of such absuse by other adolescent & adult human apes themselves while young.

              So, as well as rejecting your casual dismissal of my opinion as nonsense I am assuming you must know of such studies done into cases of other animals consciously & deliberatly sexually abusing their own species & their motivation for doing so. So I’m asking for links to them.

            • Alan Wilkinson

               /  25th April 2019

              Can’t be bothered. Look for yourself. Plenty of evidence of very young animals being mated, homosexuality, males killing other’s offspring etc.

            • Gezza

               /  25th April 2019

              Can’t be bothered? You posted like you have expertise like maybe a PhD in zoology or animal psychology. Are you telling me you might just have posted … nonsense?

            • Alan Wilkinson

               /  25th April 2019

              Are you sleep-deprived? You have no evidence that the incidence of animal sexual abuse differs from humans and merely have an “opinion”. Have all the nonsense opinions you want but don’t expect me to respect them.

            • Gezza

               /  25th April 2019

              😮 It’s ok Al. Calm down. 👼🏼

              I’m happy just to put your comment into the category of gratuitous abuse & nonsense. Along with some of your others, & note that you haven’t produced any evidence either, leave you uselessly spitting & fulminating here if you like, & move on to some other people’s more interesting & worthy comments.

              All the best. 👍🏼

            • Alan Wilkinson

               /  25th April 2019

              This article will instruct you further on the human/animal brain relationship as well as bearing on the evolution of religion:
              http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20190418-how-and-why-did-religion-evolve

            • Gezza

               /  25th April 2019

              Thanks Al. That looks very interesting, from a quick skim of that. I’ll come back & have a proper good read of that sometime today.

              I knew I could rely on you to find something interesting in the general area of the discussion if I went about it the right way.

              I didn’t see anything that talked about other animals consciously sexually abusing members or the young of their own species in the way humans do, but I might pick it up if it’s in there on a thorough read-thru later.

              Also going be very interested to look at the religion connection.

              Had to chuckle at one of the headings or links I noticed on my skim thru, especially since it’s in a non-serif font.

              You might also enjoy:
              What would it mean for AI to have a soul?

              Did it make you grin too? 😀

  4. Jacqueline

     /  24th April 2019

    Forgiveness gets misused/abused.

    It took me a long time but I’ve finally got my head around the forgiveness aspect, and it’s not what the perpetuators and their enablers wish for/presume. Jesus’ way of forgiveness in these situations is quite unlike what the churches teach.

    The best and only true way for reducing abuse is for families to actively protect their own children’s innocence and vitality. Some families need a lot of help to break the vicious cycle which sexual abuse initiates. It takes a village to raise a child. Some children miss out on family safety as well as community safety. In these situations we should provide suitable compensation and help. Apart from, and within, those scenarios I think that Jesus is the way to true help. That’s why I’ve spoken up about the oppression of the various churches – apathy or confusion or strange teachings or tyranny – it’s all there, making for abusive scenarios.

    Professional help is good, but what will be the outcome of many professionals now embracing the trendy ‘mindfulness’ technique? That too is a spiritual practise which leads away from ultimate peace. I think this technique is especially unfair on children and youth.

    Mammon, Sex and Power. The human animal has always been sorely tempted by these.

    I react with high and fair cynicism when I hear of various agencies saying that they’re ‘putting better processes in place’ following a failure to treat a victim of abuse with fairness under their existing processes. Anecdotally many victims know that our police play that nasty game time and again, and so do the churches.

    Also of consideration is that some men have suffered from false accusations.

    I think that if Church cannot lead the way for honesty and transparency in community, nothing and no one can. No amount of government policy will help. I think it makes it worse.

    Human sexuality is somehow linked to spirituality, so it makes sense that god factors come into play.

    To the survivors of sexual abuse who are exposing evil – God bless you.

    Reply

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